The Work Must Continue

Out of the three films that I've made, only Chance was a film that I knew was going to get done. Going in to both Seven Years and Kay, I had no idea whether we would actually make the movie. With Seven Years, it was a question of time (I was nearing graduation) and with Kay, it was a matter of money (I insisted on shooting on film even though I couldn't afford it). In the end, both films got made and became huge stepping stones in the development of my craft.

Having recently completed the DVD for Kay, I assumed this was the last short film I'd shoot for a long time. I wanted to get back to writing my feature and I needed to move away from these short film tangents that take up years of my life. However, recently I have been given an opportunity to shoot another short film. This took me by complete surprise, as jumping into pre-production is the last thing on my mind right now. However, the opportunity is a big one and it immediately sparked my brain with ideas. Within a week of first getting the idea, I had a first draft completed. It's shocking to me how the process can be; I can sit down for weeks trying to write something and then all of a sudden one little spark ignites and the floodgates are opened.

I have no idea if this film will get shot. Similar to what happened last time with Kay, I have no idea how I'm going to pay for this. Brian and I already decided we want to shoot digital (even though the more I think about this script, the more I fall in love with it, and the more I want to shoot on film) but even then, we're looking at a $1,000 to $2,000 budget. How am I going to pay for this? Do I put it on my credit card, which I recently paid off? Do I take money out from my mutual fund? The responsible thing would be to say no and to pay for this with cash. But what if I don't have cash? I don't want to ask my family for money. Lately, I've been trying hard to be smart with my money. I just cashed out my 401(k) to pay off my credit card so do I really want to put money back on it?

The smart thing to do would be to continue paying down my credit cards and student loans and not do more of these projects until I can afford to pay for them. The problem that I have with this is that at what point do I say I can afford it? And what if I never get to that point? What if I constantly feel like I'm behind and never ahead financially? Do I just give up this dream - this pursuit of being a filmmaker? It's pretty hard to call yourself a filmmaker if you're not making films. How am I suppose to learn and grow if I don't go out there and do it? Is the risk not worth it? Are the consequences too great? These are the questions I ask myself when faced with the decision of whether I'm willing to take the plunge into making another film.

When making tough decisions, one thing I always consider is this: what will I regret more, doing something or not doing something? Usually, the answer is I"ll regret not doing something. I've never regretted shooting Seven Years or Kay and I'd be hard-pressed to believe I'd regret making this new film. Even if it sets me back financially, even if it puts me more in debt, I don't know that it won't be worth it. Typically, I never feel more confident in my decision making than in situations like this. I am not a confident or self assured person but when it comes to my art, there's never any fence sitting. It's full speed ahead, no looking back, no second guessing. I suppose feeling this way is a good indication that I should follow my instincts and when I don't know what to do, just pursue the dream.

I learned awhile ago that filmmaking is my passion. I have to express myself and cinema is my way of releasing my creativity. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE. So if I don't humor my passion, what am I doing? What is the goal if not that? Financial stability? Expensive stuff? Independence from debt? This is logical but somehow ludicrous to what I want from life. The work must continue. At all cost. At ANY cost. If an opportunity presents itself (such as right now), I must seize it. I must not concern myself with what the consequences are; surely the consequences for NOT seizing the opportunity are far greater in the long run. I must only trust that the path of pursuing this artistic inclination will work itself out. I leave it up to God; to fate; to whatever force which has brought me to where I am, and where I am going. I must trust that impulse. There is nothing else.